Shawn Garrett

butthorn:

I made Breaking Bad valentines because I couldn’t find any that expressed my love for my friends and the show.

jakefogelnest:

Whitney Houston’s isolated vocal track on “How Will I Know.” 

idrewyourtweet:

Written by the rest-room-adventurer @ShawnGarrett

It’s 2:51am here on the east coast and I’m still awake. I have too many things on my mind. What I’m thinking about:

• Need to do another Funny or Die post tomorrow.
• Need to finish my spec for Modern Family. I’m 11 pages in. It reads right too. I once wrote a spec for Friends that ended with a new character (me) sleeping with Monica, Phoebe, Rachel and Phoebe’s sister.
• My dog needs stitches in his paw.
• I need to buy bird food, so my peacocks don’t starve.
• The new glasses I ordered will be here next week and I hope I like them and don’t look like a dweeb.
• I just used ‘dweeb’ and it’s almost 2012.
• It’s almost 2012.
• Getting my PA driver’s license tomorrow.
• It’s 2:57am.

alanfriedman:

Huh?

Normally the crater Archimedes shows a smooth volcanic floor, small pockmarks of more recent craterlets and shadows from the craggy wall that surrounds it. So what is this?

A transient lunar phenomenon? Or the stuff that dreams are made of? Hmmmm.

CLEVERer: TWITTER and Me! (2010)

samgrittner:

Dear Friends, Hobos, Followers, Grifters, Family, and Assorted Bookies,

As some of you know and many of you are sick of me repeating, I’ve been doing comedy since I was fifteen. I started doing stand-up at seventeen. Kept at it. Eventually got paid, had the pleasure of working at some amazing…

If you haven’t watched Saturday Night Live yet, be sure to watch for Chris Martin of Coldplay wiping his nose on the microphone throughout their performance.

Here’s something that I can do without. Automatic flushers. Here’s why:

In this example, imagine that I have to poop. Now, as usual, I will hold said poop until the last possible moment. You will also have to imagine that most guys are gross. Not just “farts in the kitchen” or “wipes boogers under the car seat” gross, but “blatantly pees on a public toilet seat” gross.

In this clearly fictitious scenario, I arrive in the stall in question. The first thing that needs to be done is to examine the seat. Urine is almost visible to the naked eye, you have to get down there and really examine. When your face is down that close the automatic flusher has registered your face as an ass and the clock is ticking. The moment you pull away, WHOOOOSH, you’re sprayed with the water violently flushing down the tube.

Now I don’t mean to be fickle, but call it OCD, I don’t like sitting in the piss of other men. It’s mental, I know. I grab a little toilet paper and wipe the seat up. Again, your hand is now registered as an ass and once you move it, WHOOOOOSH, toilet spray again.

And, finally, this is the worse one. If you’re in a regular stall, not a handicapped stall, there isn’t much room to flee from the spray. There is a motion after you wipe your ass called standing up. When the WHOOOOSH occurs you need to have rushed to the closed stall door and chest bumped that thing or your bare ass will be sprayed with your own filthy toilet water.

This is my life at least once a day.

Pillow fight!